Auld Lang Syne
by Revever
Summary: A quiet evening of talking and remembering. Part 7 (and final) of Crathie.


'Usually I'm spending Christmas with my dad,' Belle giggled. 'But guess what? He's spending it this year with professor Potts! She's from another faculty, the English literature, but apparently they like the same cafeteria and it just happened. He was so relieved when I told him that we need to think of somewhat altered plans for this year.'

'I hope you warned him that we might as well get snowed in at Christmas and even Internet might be forced to bow down to the mighty forces of nature?'

'Maybe it's for the best?' Belle giggled again. 'Otherwise he might be tempted to visit. Gaston as well. He was full of questions about this place and why I'm basically moving here, and I think he could clearly tell how impatient I am to go back to Crathie.'

Robert sighed affectionately and Belle smiled widely at him in return. By now he knew that whatever Belle told her friends about him or Crathie was surely nothing he'd consider too private or threatening and Belle was grateful for his trust.

'We also would have a reason to not see Granny for some time,' he said lightly, but still with tension, visibly waiting for Belle's reaction. Now that she knew why Granny treated him this way, Belle was still completely supportive to him, but apparently it felt weird to him. Not that she was surprised.

'That's good too.' For a moment Belle was pensive, but then decided to keep the conversation light. 'No need for her intrusion to our Christmas. Not until something good could come out of it. We can throw snowballs at her if she comes here.'

'Well, so far she openly calls me Scrooge about this time of a year. I think she's always tempted to send me a copy of Christmas Carol,' Robert said testily, with forced humor. 'Of course, I would return it straight away, but that would actually be alright, this way she could be repeating it every next Christmas.'

'I never really liked Christmas Carol...' Belle frowned. 'Is this really the way to help someone be better? Scaring him within an inch of his life?'

Seriously, was this truly the only thing that would work on Scrooge? It would be more justified if brought on by something... by chance, like an accident. But as a planned action to teach one what he should be doing and teaching readers too? It was far too much a cautionary tale for Belle's taste as she firmly refused to believe that people has to be taught to be good by cautionary tales. It was naive at best anyway to think cautionary tales actually worked as intended, and that all that fear and shame actually taught goodness. It taught retaliation.

'I didn't like it too,' Robert nodded. 'Excellent reason to stop talking about it. What about a nice, quiet evening with a hot chocolate instead?'

* * *

Belle happily curled up on the sofa, pulling blanket over her. She lifted it only for a moment when Robert joined her with two mugs of hot chocolate. He prepared the best kind of chocolate with just the right amount of spices, refusing to spill the secret for the exact recepture.

'This way I can spoil you myself,' he said firmly. 'Let me, please.'

She nodded cuddling up to him.

'You'll be doing it often, then. I don't think I'll ever tire of this wonder. Even in summer.'

'Gladly,' he said, stealing a doubly sweet kiss from her lips. Belle sighed happily, looking around the cozy room.

'I love this house,' she said dreamily. 'All the knick-knacks. I feel like living in a doll house. I still didn't explore most of these pretty things.'

'I had the same feeling when I started to live here. It looked mostly the same, minus TV and such. None of Bae's toys scattered around too. I used to sit in one place for minutes just looking at things. Aunties noticed and taught me the handicraft. It was amazing to be able to produce such items. Still is.'

'So most of these things are aunties'?′

'Aye. That makes them even more precious.'

Belle hummed pensively.

'I have some of my mom's things too. Her box with jewelry for example, and her sewing kit with the whole big box of various buttons. I loved to play with both as a child. Even if I didn't really learn how to sew,' she added playfully. 'We rather used to make up stories for the buttons, or made the buttons somehow important for characters in other tales.'

Robert kissed her hair.

'Sounds wonderful.'

'It was.' Belle smiled feeling his breath on her ear. In the spring they would organize everything to be brought here. Robert didn't dare to plan aloud anything but the hope in his eyes was unmistakable. Belle was staying, forever. They would work on relations with the village people, one Granny, even as influential, wouldn't be able to stop them. Belle was going to see to it. The longer she lived in Robert's home, the more she knew how tied to the place he was. Making him move away would be a cruelty.

'Do you think I kept too much of their things?' Robert asked suddenly.

'No, why?' Belle raised her eyebrows.

'I kept their clothes, you know? Everything, I never could throw them out. All their papers. All the little things that have any worth only to their owners. Milah always wanted me to get rid of everything, have more space for herself. But I just couldn't. I only packed some, especially from the bedroom, and moved them to the attic.'

'Well, it's not like these things, like clothes, make living here uncomfortable,' Belle said. 'Especially if they are packed up. And the house looks lovely with all the items around... Do you feel like you want to throw something away?'

'I... no. It all makes me feel like aunties are with me. And I... I just don't like change. I feel comfortable with these things around, even if I have no other use for them.'

'You feel safe,' Belle murmured, caressing his hair. He nodded shyly.

'I do.'

'It's okay. And I would gladly see all of these things if you let me. They must have some stories about them.'

'Some of them do. I'll show you.'

'And one day I'm showing you an army of buttons, the button queen and king, their children, and the mighty sorcerer with his dragon brooch.'

Robert laughed.

'You must show this to Bae too.' He sighed. 'I wish I had something so nice that belonged to my mom. I have only a few of her books.'

'It's a lot. Books are special.'

'Oh of course, they are,' Robert smiled fondly, but with a lot of sadness in the mix. 'I have some photographs too. I'll show you someday. It's not so exciting as Venice or Amazonian jungle, but still...'

'Hush, of course it's interesting. Much more in fact. It's about you.'

He cringed slightly.

'Aye, I suppose so...'

'Robert?'

'Sorry. I just... My mother... it's complicated, remembering her.'

Belle blinked, but felt it best to not push. Not too much at least.

'Well... I suppose it was a big change to move here... Leaving people you knew.'

'Not really,' Robert was looking straight ahead, not at her. 'I didn't have many friends, or close friends. No family other than my parents too. Mom didn't have many friends, mostly some women from her work.' He shrugged. 'I think she was afraid what people would say about her husband.'

'She must have been lonely. Though she might have been right, people can talk.'

'Well, it's not like my father would won any award for best husband or dad,' Robert sighed. 'I guess he was just as ashamed of me and mom, as we were of him. He and his buddies treated me like a little mascot, a funny clown. Though it could have been worse, really. They laughed, but never hurt me. Unlike other children.'

He touched his knee absentmindedly. Was the injury a result of bullying? If so, Belle wanted to hunt down each and every little mobster and put them through the most creative punishments that would put Granny to a shame.

'I'm glad that Bae is so much better at fitting in than me. Bae defends other kids from bullies. Sometimes he gets into trouble because of that, but he knows what is right and that I won't be truly mad at him, proved that he considers his own safety and other reasonable ways to solve things first.' Robert blushed a little. 'I'm a bit jealous actually, that Bae has such a good friends, like Emma, but there are more kids in his pack, August, Tink and Grace. I had some friends, but these kids are thick as thieves. Tink apparently is the best pirate captain on the seven seas and the seven oceans, while Bae is the best chief of Robin-Hood-style bandits. August is best at treasure finding no matter the context, Grace makes the best sorceress and Emma just likes all of the above, she's not picky as long as she has her adventure and a lot of running, making noise and getting dirty. You know, back then I couldn't keep up with other kids having a lame leg. Couldn't play soccer. Kids that age are forming packs and I couldn't be a part of them. And I was an excellent target, couldn't also run away. I was that kid who's shy and afraid of people, but unlike in the movies, there was no kindred soul that also felt lost and different. I felt disappointed, you know? But Belle, now I have you.'

He did. And Belle regretted not knowing him back then. Presently, though, she pulled him in for a long, deep kiss, that he returned with a happy sigh.

However, when he broke the kiss, he looked at her with anguish in his eyes.

'Robert?'

'If... if I have you, then I have to tell you...'

'Tell me?...'

Dear Lord, Belle thought, what else? She was convinced that the story about the fire was the final reveal.

'About my mom,' he whispered.

'I'm listening.'

She cuddled him closer, aiming for providing him with as much comfort as possible.

'I don't know if I really want to talk about it...' he rasped.

'Hey,' Belle said, taking his face in her hands. 'Deep breath. The fear is always the biggest just before the action. Though if you want, we can talk about it some other time too.'

He sighed, taking a shuddering breath.

'I'm not even sure how I should talk about it. I never told anyone, and it's such an old history. I feel bad for taking a chance and speak about it.'

'No need, sweetheart. I'm listening.'

'I just... it's incredible that I actually can tell you. I thought I never would have anyone I would want to tell how it was. Even aunties. Aunties knew facts and of course they saw how I missed my mom, and they were wonderful. But it wasn't as if I talked to them, not really.'

'Well, I feel... honored, really, that you want to tell me.' And it was the truth, not for the first time too, and one of the most precious things that this relationship brought into Belle's life.

'I'm... not really... I'm not telling you so I could get sympathy or something. I just want to tell you. Because I want you to know the whole me.'

'Okay.'

He took a deep breath.

'You know, it was all difficult, the older I was, the more. Mom was always worrying about something, always telling me that she has so much to do, always working, waiting for a word of recognition from dad but never getting one, then feeling bitter and telling me that dad never thinks about anything but himself... Sometimes she was flat out crying how he hurt her and asking what she did so he treats her so badly, then other times, especially... ah, near the end she was saying that she is doing all of this just for me, her beloved son... and then she went and got hit by a car because she was so tired that she didn't look around.'

His voice broke on the last words, going even quieter.

'So... I kind of... I felt like I murdered my mom,' he whispered, 'because it was all for me.'

Belle, speechless, hugged him hard, kissing his hair over and over. She practically crushed him in her embrace but she also had a feeling that he craved being held this tightly.

'...and that I'm a rotten spoiled selfish bastard...' he added in a whisper. 'Not good for anything, useless.'

The loathing behind these words terrified Belle.

'Oh God, sweetheart, it's not true. You are important, you are useful, you are so important to me, to Bae, you were so important to aunties. It's not your fault. It didn't exactly have to be anyone's fault. It... it was a terrible, lousy, awful luck. It just happened. It's scary that such things can just happen, but it wasn't your fault.'

'I kind of know. Even back then. But... And with aunties' death, and Milah, and the fire... It was all pointing at the same thing. That I'm useless.′

'No more, sweetheart. No more. I'll be repeating it as long as you need, you're doing a good job, I need you so much and you're giving me all I want and need. Same with Bae. You're wonderful, sweetheart. I love you so much.'

'I love you too...' he said shyly, smiling a bit despite shining, teary eyes. 'Thank you, Belle...'

'You're more than welcome, sweetheart.'

'I... I'll try to remember all these things you've said. Until now I didn't have anyone who would... whom I could tell and hear all this. Now that I'm not alone, it's much easier to let it go.'

'I'm glad.'

'It helps that you're so strong, that I know I can trust you to take care of yourself. I couldn't help but be angry at mom that she didn't manage that. She was an adult, I wanted her to know better. To know everything and deal with everything I couldn't deal with. I still wish it had been so, no matter how well I am aware of the reality of such wishes.'

'It's natural. I think I would wish for the same. I felt so scared when I saw my dad completely falling apart when mom died. I don't think I was ever more relieved in my life than when he pulled himself back together, despite missing mom so much, and I realized he did it for real, not just putting a brave facade for me.'

'Oh Belle...'

'Shh...'

She hoped, however, that this cuddling and confessing session would be the last one. That her Robert didn't have any more heartbreaking secrets. He was due for a lot of happiness now and she was determined to ensure they had just that.

'I feel a bit better, Belle,' he said quietly. 'I am so grateful for you. You make things better, more peaceful. I can think about you, and Bae, and future. I can... forgive,' he said almost inaudibly. 'Mom, and aunties, and Milah, and Granny... even myself, slowly. It's a long list. But you make me hurt less. You make me remember good things, safe things. I can tell you all about them and not think like it's only something to grieve after.′

Belle felt tears pricking her eyes. The reverend, awed voice Robert was speaking with was almost too much. She kissed him again, and again, long, deep kisses, sinking her fingers into his hair. He eagerly returned the kisses and caresses. Never in her life Belle felt so complete as this quiet evening, beneath the blanket with Robert, in the dimly lit room filled with mementos, and with cold wind howling behind the windows. Even forever of this wouldn't be enough.


End file.
